Welcome to the East Lashing PD
We’re here to enforce peace through overwhelming presence, questionable stops, and selective service.
(Based on a widespread lack of understanding that imposed authority never supersedes autonomy.)
Recent Incidents
- 🔵 June 28: Drone spotted filming the station — full panic mode initiated.
- 🟡 June 15: Internal affairs investigates... itself. Clears itself.
- 🔴 July 3: Citizen detained for eye contact.
- 🔴 July 4: Several reports... Subdued and controlled celebrations of freedoms that no longer exist.
Programs We’re Proud Of
- 📸 Parking-Lot Plate-Scanning Grid "While you shop, we snoop!" (Park accordingly)
- 🐖 Officer Porkchop’s Classroom Raid Read-Along
- 🚔 “Drive Poor, Get Pulled” Initiative
- 📦 Civil Asset Forfeiture Starter Kit (We take it, you prove it was yours)
- 🛰️ Predictive Policing Algorithms (Arresting you for what you might do)
- 🧠 Compliance Education Unit (Training citizens to shut up faster)
- 🏛️ Court Date Roulette (No lawyer? That’s a You problem, good luck with your PD, lol)
- 👁️ “Smile, You’re Being Watched” Program (Free surveillance with every breath)
- 💳 Poverty Penalty Ladder (Fines, fees, and failure-to-pay fees!)